God, why do you tease?

God,

Why do you tease me?   Is it funny? 

I dreamed last night of her, and the dream was that we were still together.  It was  weird together, not a normal together, but like an awkward together.  But nonetheless we were together.  This brought great happiness in me.  I was happy again.

I woke up, and i realized this was not true.  That in fact she is gone, she is still gone.  No dreams of grandeur can change that.  And that brought me sadness and emptiness. 

The whole day was a shithole, as I grieve over happiness lost.   I wonder why God laid upon me such a dream?  Why would He do that to me?  Right now I want to just move on, but with dreams like this, how can I move on?  Is it funny, God?  Why do you do this to me?  Have I not suffered enough?  Where is the grace, where is the love?   This is no joke, this is my misery. 

Tell me why... why must I suffer? 

There are moments

There are moments in the days when life returns to normal.  Where the grass is green and the sky is blue.  And I look and I see that, "hey, i don't feel like shit."  And then when I get to that nice healthy state, I think to myself, "well this can't be normal."  And I look back to find where I once was happy, and my minds overflow with thoughts of things which I should not dwell on.

Maybe i'm yielding to my lies, but I look at myself and play all the what-if scenarios in my head.  What if i never asked her?  What if I never confronted her?  What if I asked her honesty?  What if what if what if.  All the thoughts of these what if crowd my judgement.  And it leaves me stranded.

Sometimes the lies within me say, "You are letting God off the hook way too easy."  And I see through these lies refuting back to the liar saying "If God did not have a purpose in this, then that just means I'm not good enough."   In my selffishness, i rather acknowledge that God is behind this then to think I'm not good enough.   I know i'm good enough. 

And so the battle of lies and truth rage on in my soul.   Moments I pray, I feel my thoughts riddled with truth and lies.  The joy of truth, the happiness of lies.   It is sad that joy cannot always equate with happiness. 

Somedays though, I ponder to myself, it is better to die and not suffer, then suffer and die.  Sometimes i say, "take me away, i've got nothing left to say."  But i know that is just the liar talking to me again. 

Oh the pain.  Why must you sit here with me?  Why have you just latched on to me?   Please get away from me.  Please get away from me.

Sometimes, it's best to cry

From my previous posts on the same day, i was talking about her.  I knew going to Church today I was not ready.  I felt that sadness overflow in me.  And I was not ready to see her.  I prayed to God, "I'm not ready."  But nonetheless I went.

During worship, in the praise and singing part, I closed my eyes.  Unable to utter the words, due to my weakened jaw due to my wisdom teeth extraction, and due to her.  And I tried to sing with all that I am so to bring praise and glory to Him.  And then we sung "Shout to the Lord", and it went "My comfort, my shelter, tower of refuge and strength" and at that moment, I started to cry.  My eyes teared up, my voice cracked, and I realized that God was comforting me there.  I could not contain my tears except just hide away in my shirt.

Afterwards, I was still not great, but I was much better than in the morning.  Sometimes it's best to cry.  And it's so awesome how God does these little things to help me get through these tough times.

It took me 2 weeks

It took me 2 weeks to write about her in my personal diary of self-reflection.  Not this public one for the world to see.  As I look at how much I've written, I had so much things to say.  Sadly, when i wrote the journal, I wrote it after I broke up, and I only felt bitter.  So the "lubby dubby" stuff spanned like half a page, but the pain of breakup was like 15 pages.  Yesterday, I decided that I will write this all down, all this down so that I do not have to live in the moment of the breakup.  I remember as I started that posts two weeks ago, I wrote and I stopped frequently.  Because I knew i would have to relive my breakup.  And I didn't want to.  This event was traumatic, and like any other victim, it is not something that is easily retold.   And so i struggled barely writing half a page at the time, as the words written pierced my unstable wound.  I couldn't write it.  It was difficult.  I still missed her too much.

But I must, and in an act of courage I did it all at once.  Like my wisdom teeth, I wanted to pull all the pain at once, and let it simmer down later.  So Francis came to Starbucks with me yesterday.  As he studied I wrote.  I spent 4 hours and I still didn't finish.  But luckily, after the fourth hour, I was done the horrible stuff, and was writing all the good stuff as to where God came in and saved the day.  So the last few bits, which I finished off in the solidarity of my room was a little more enjoyable.

I thought to myself, now this is finally closed.   Like an assignment, I have written my report, close it down and move on.  I felt really blessed by God, who taught me a multitude of lessons within this trial, and so I didn't feel sad.  Or so I thought.  I thought God has plucked me from the depths of darkness and into light again.  I thought I'd be normal.

This morning i woke up, and I believe I was dreaming of her.  I don't know why, but I just woke up and I started feeling sadness again.  Maybe it's the fact that I know I will see her at Church makes me anxious and nervous inside.  I remember yesteday at the leadership appreciation dinner, I saw her in a few photos, and even that made me sad.  Seeing her in person will also be a tough thing.  Well I guess i'll just ignore her or something.

Sometimes I wonder whether the pain will ever go away.  From  my survey of the broken, it doesn't appear to ever go away, until one day the cause of the pain is covered with joy.  So in that sense, until one day I find the right one.  And I wonder why that is the case, why does God allow this.  And I think, and I do believe this to be true, is that I would remember forever.  That as God has showed me my lessons and how i so easily forget, some of the hardest lessons are learnt when I am most broken.  So I am not allowed to forget, because i know God did not call me to be single, so God is not allowing me to forget so that one day when God provides me that special someone, I will remember how I screwed up this one.

Not to be a dick about this, and not to be a dick about her as I really did love her, and in no way is this comment an insult to her.  But God used her to prepare me for when He provides the actual gift.  So to put another way, God is preparing me for something better.   But right now all I can think of was that she was really something.  And I miss that.

I guess I should go and pray, as this often provides me a lot of comfort.

One day I will write in here what God has shown me in terms of lessons.  But this requires me to go back into that place again where I once was with her.  That place is scary to me, so I will not go there just yet.  I know it's in my journal, so that's good enough for now.   And one day I will tell her how much she did for me, how God used her to be a vessel of growth for me.  But again that would mean me going back to that deep dark place, and to that I am not ready. 

In all this I still find words of praise, because God has not made us into robots and cookie cutter images of each other.  We were all made differently, all beautiful and screwed up at the same time.  Not that God screwed up, but God gave us the multitude of emotions which allows us to feel.  We can feel, is that not in a priveledge itself?

Lifehouse - Broken